Profile
Person A: Female, mob boss, cigar smoker, non-religious, two children, arrogant, homophobic; favourite word: homo.
Person B: Male, Buddhist, serious, outgoing, does yoga, anti-violence, homosexual, monk; favourite word: righteous.
Time/Place/Period: Buddhist temple, spring, year 2000, Beijing, China.
Situation: Female arrives at Buddhist temple with mother to watch her pray.
Beijing, China. Hometown of the 'azn mobsters'. And Ling Ling, their leader.
" This is fa kin su pah! Another day at Temple with motha. I must lei low so nobody see me." Ling murmured.
In walked a man with Ling's mother.
" Ling, kum hia now! I want you to meet Mr. Quest," shouted Ling's mom.
Disconsolate Ling Ling shuffled over to greet this man, who already agitated her with his glistening rainbow tie. A proud homosexual. In other words, Ling's worst nightmare.
" Pleasure to meet you Ms. Ling, and how are you today?"
" Dum fuk, I'm great."
" I beg your pardon? I must have misheard what you said."
" Sum ting wong with hearing? I said I'm great."
" Oh well, that's wonderful, isn't this a splendid temple?"
" Why so dim in hea?"
" Well, it helps set the mood and gives your eyes a chance to relax from the blaring lights of the world."
" Ai must go now, motha you cum or not?"
Ling was determined to get out in time as her employees were growing vehement in need of their next missions. She couldn't risk leaving her car in the parking lot with all the goods, unsupervised, either.
" What's the rush? Stay and enjoy."
" Yu stinki pu, I say I go now! I need to wash cah." Ling replied, growing with intolerance for Mr. Quest as she pulled out a cigarette to munch on.
" Ling! Wai yu munching! No good for health!" Bellowed her mother.
" I am getting out of hea, away from you and this fat man."
" You know Ling, a very wise man once said,
"We can see, so we are always blind to things deeper than skin," and you must realize.." Quest attempted to explain to Ling.
" Your chin too fat! So, don't quote me anyting. And I go now!"
Ignorant and bitter Ling stormed, at supersonic speed, out of the temple, towards her BMW Z4. Deciding to leave town forever without return, she bawlled, " Motha you take care of rugrats, I leave you! I can't live with you no more and your religious ways! You and fat man be happy."
And that was the last anyone saw of Ling Ling..
Slang: A (Re)Ev(De)olution on Language
Grade nine was when they fell in love, and grade twelve was when they had their first child. Dumbfounded? Delighted? Disgusted? Perhaps all of the above? Well, whichever way, just hear me out first and perhaps you'll change your mind by the end. It was Tony and Isabel. Their first day of high school, two strangers who've never met were about to experience the first day of the rest of their lives. Isabel and friends, were imperturbably waiting for the year's first school bell. Tony was on the school bus on his way to school. Minutes, seconds in fact, before a turning point in both their lives, and neither had a clue. So, Tony apathetically hopped off the bus and shuffled down the straight path near the parking lot to the school's entrance, Isabel was listlessly standing in front of the parking lot. She saw him. Her friends saw him. He looked at her, she looked at him. They clicked. "Oh Gosh is that a guy or a girl? He/she is so not cute, what a poot butt!", proclaimed Isabel's friend. "Oh totally! Oh my gosh, do you see that so not boho hair?", affirmed Isabel, thinking the infallible contrary in her mind. Although they were utter opposites on the outside, Tony being the area boy with the baggy, loose jeans, and bandanas, and Isabel being the bunhead, always attempting to improve the perfect bun on her head for ballet, they both felt that for some reason they would one day talk after only knowing of each other's existence for just one day. Oh they definitely talked, a tad more than just talked. Regardless, moving on to the interesting part, - their meeting. It was lunch time and everyone was on their way to the mama put, including Isabel and Tony. Isabel with her friends, Tony with his. Actually perhaps it wasn't lunch time. Maybe it was after school? No I'm pretty sure it was lunch, or maybe there wasn't school that day? Now I'm blabbing, sorry. Nevertheless, whatever it was that day, Tony and Isabel were about to finally become acquainted, sort of. They walked into the mama put and ordered. Both nervous and struck by each other's presence, in hope the other would say something first, they stood still waiting. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, the nervousness got the best of Tony and as he was about to pay, he reached into his pocket for money, pulled it out, stretched his hand out to give it to the waitress, and without apprehending that Isabel was walking past on her way out, he punched her in the nose! It was the best worst moment of Tony's life. "There is in the worst of fortune the best of chances for a happy change," (Euripides), how applicable! Don't you think? Oh yeah sorry, you still don't know what happened next! Well, it's pretty obvious Isabel forgave him, and from the nose punch on they became inseparable. They fell in love. I fell in love. And now I am a new parent. Yes, me. Okay so I exaggerated having the kid in grade twelve just a little bit. I needed your attention reader! I'm actually twenty-four, but it all feels like it was just yesterday. Just yesterday that he punched me, just yesterday he first called me, just yesterday we first kissed, just yesterday that we got married, and just yesterday that I had Damien, oops, that actually was yesterday. From area boy and bunhead to now fireman and teacher. That is Tony and I, like it or not. Hope you like it though!
Monday, September 10, 2007
8:14 PM
"A lie! That maga kid a teif mi ganja while I was dropping legs? I was cravin a spliff!"
Translation: "You're lying! That skinny kid stole my marijuana while I was dancing? I was just craving for a marijuana cigarette!"
Saturday, September 8, 2007
12:58 PM
" In the moments before the brutal murder of John Novak ended what she later thought of as her time of innocence, Assistant County Prosecutor Stella Marz gazed down at the waterfront of her native city, Steelton."
- Dark Lady by Richard North Patterson
After examining the murder it had become apparent that I just couldn't let such genius work go unnoticed, and turning myself in was compulsory. As I confessed my treason, the officers jumped on me as barbaric animals telling me what a lunatic I was. Now why would they say such a thing? Did they not see how clever and precise my coverings were? What lunatic could have done such a deed so accurately? What fools! They don't even know the difference between a lunatic and a woman who was simply trying to do what's best for everyone. Immediately after my exposure, I was arrested, as predicted by my genius self, and taken down to the station. I tell you, I thought the officers were barbaric, but I hadn't seen nothing till the psychiatrist came to talk to me. Another clown. I had to prove this hick that I wasn't crazy. I blamed the disease. The psychiatrist attempted to stay calm and pretend he wasn't afraid of me. Another fool I tell you! I could smell his nervous, sweaty palms the minute I walked in the room! Each and every one of the was terrified of me. I possessed full control, not them. The psychiatrist questioned, and I answered. Pitiful questions were asked I must say. I gazed around the room, no two-way mirror, and no visible cameras. I wondered, shouldn't they have surveillance for such a "raving lunatic"? Imbeciles. I then decided to give them a taste of a real lunatic, not that I was one or anything, simply pretending to be one under such crucial circumstances. I couldn't take the reek of his sweaty palms and now feet any longer. Without another wisp of air I rose from my chair in a calm matter, then thrust myself upon the psychiatrist and with every single bit of power within me I began to choke him. Squeezing my hands tighter and tighter, my nails sinking into his flesh, and just like that another imbecile was dead within seconds. It was quite morbid I do admit, but I couldn't help myself. I laughed. Laughed harder and louder than I ever have. I then pulled out my handkerchief, wiped my hands free of blood, and sat back down smiling. What an adrenaline rush that was. I could smell his insides rotting already. For a split second I began to feel the guilt crawling upon me, but then I had realized how ridiculous that was. Guilt? Guilty for saving everyone from this moron? Not one bit. It's not like it was my fault anyway. No one in their right mind could possibly think that my viral condition of wanting to help people was my fault. It was all the disease again...
To be continued.
